Lesson: self care when caring for toddlers is vital. You will ignore your own needs. This could potentially be dangerous as I learned yesterday. After fighting with my own body, a very high fever brought me down and brought me down quick. I couldn’t move. I literally could not lift my head and I wanted to cry. Every muscle and joint was on fire and my stomach was in revolt. My body convulsed with chills.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t succumb to being sick. My body had other plans. I have a pretty nasty staph infection that hit my bloodstream. I was also pretty dehydrated. Bunches of Fluids and needles later, I am better. A script of antibiotics helped too.

I won’t ignore my body. It is ok to be sick. It is ok to say “I need rest”. It is not ok to ignore the signs because you are stubbornly trying to prove you can do it all. The fever peaked at 104.2. I honestly believed I could get out of bed and work and care for my household. Trust me, I tried.

I was very wrong. Very very wrong. Today I will take it easy. The boys helped with the house and the girls. The girls have been very loving. Toddlers rubbing your hair is calming when you want to cry. So I learned that I am not superwoman and frankly, I don’t need to be.

fosterparenting

In case you didn’t know – fake dogs need to be taken to the water dish too

Lesson : toddlers will understand that the kitchen is off limits when you are cooking if you give them pots and pans and spoons to play with in the dining room. However, I caution you, there will be loud giggles and really really bad versions of RENT or STOMP going on in your dining room while you cook

I have found that most people don’t admit to when they are hurt or vulnerable. Today I am both. Today would be a terrible day for me to go an animal shelter. Because I would take every single animal home. Because I hurt. I hurt so so much. I have spent four years waiting for yesterday. It didn’t make it any easier.

I have a void. One that was 12 years in the making. It is vast. It is hollow and it very dark. It can be consuming. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to hide from my void. Let it consume me for once and be done with fighting the good fight.

Then an earthworm slimy nose hit my sleeping face and with some bad doggie breath and fur, my darth Vader reminded me about the need to get up and be part of life. My void be damned.

Though today is different. My kids have a void. My Darth Vader and Sherlock dogs have a void. They cried last night too. A dogs cry is the worst.

My husband, who told everyone he met what an ass Punkin was, has a void. My ugly cat, who claimed Punkin as her doggie, has a void. She can’t find him in his usual spot and she is unhappy about that. She keeps circling the spot, looking to us for answers.

I can’t fix any of their hurt. I can’t fill that void because it is impossible.

My head says “time will heal this void”. My heart says it will always be there and won’t be filled. My husband says “let’s get a mastiff because certainly that will be awesome” . He is a go big or go home kind of dude.

I am not getting a mastiff. My darth vader is 13 plus years old. Punkin was his friend for ten years. He needs time to heal too. The bond between animals is so real. So so real.

Anyone who knows me knows that my heart is large and I struggle with not bringing every child, animal or even adult into my home that needs help.

Shit, I even buy dead plants on clearance to try and bring them back. (Most of the time, that works). I treasure the unwanted, the hurt, the broken – but there is a void.

I think Punkin filled this void for me. I think this void was there before him. And now the void is bigger. Much bigger. My house is filled with animals that had a void. It is what I do. I try to fill their voids.

Maybe my void, which is dark and scary, and I finally need to sit down and work it out. It can’t be filled with anything. It needs to just go away. Or – maybe just maybe – my void makes me who I am and most days, I like who I am.

Some fill their void with religion or exercise or art or music. Some fill their voids with much darker stuff. I did that once. I was pretty self destructive.

Why am I posting this? Why do I constantly post personal stuff? Some would say for attention. Others just ignore it. But you know what – I recognize that everyone, everywhere has a void.

And I post because I don’t want to be alone with just my void. And I post because I also want others with voids to know that they are never alone.

So today is a new day. My void can go F itself. Because today, I am going to use that void and it’s dark and scary emptiness to do something wonderful and crazy and beautiful. And I am going to post about it. I just haven’t figured out what that something is yet.

Have a beautiful day. Thank you for yesterday and showing me that my doggie was so loved. For showing me that I was so loved. You are beautiful. Continue to be beautiful!!!

My three year old duckling says I am not “her grownup” so she doesn’t have to listen to me

My four year old duckling responded to this with “um it is dusty’s house so you better listen or she will breathe fire”

My six year old duckling responded “that would not be lovely at all. No one has ever seen that”

😂😂😂😂 🤷🏻‍♀️

today’s foster care adventure is brought to you by “why is following one simple instruction so difficult?” and “please leave your clothes on at school today”

Apparently asking a 4 year old 156,983,309 times to put on her shoes is akin to asking her to jump into a volcano.

AND

I actually had to remind a 3 year old that streaking naked through her pre-school class was a no-no when I dropped her off today.

However – they did give me an entire story about witches, werewolves and skeletons on the way to school today – because you know – the moon was SO BIG on the way there. I found out that witches will keep werewolves as pets like we do with Darth Vader the Spitz dog. BUT sometimes werewolves eat furniture and then the skeletons have to clean it up because the witches are busy making soup.

And just in case you are really curious – I was up at 4:17am because my littlest had a nightmare, wet the bed and climbed into bed with her sister and woke her up by kicking her. Two crying, half asleep kiddos – 4:17am – too early for wine.

And of course half asleep kiddos are not pleasant in any sense of the word. Neither is a half asleep Dusty. But i did smile and comfort and hug – when all i really wanted to do was gripe and moan and cry myself.

thisisfostercare

befosteraware

ihatepredawnhours

witchesandsouprecipes

Is there an award for getting three kids under the age of 6 up, fed and enrolled in new schools and getting to work by 10am? On just two cups of coffee? On the first day of the worst menstrual cycle in 30 years? And I still was able to say goodbye to my teens before they ran out of the house to get some silence?

And my littlest is totally pissed at me because I wouldn’t let her take Mr Nubs to school today 😂😂😂

FYI: we cut a cat sized hole in our basement door. This is so the cats can get to their litter boxes and the dogs can’t.

In case you didn’t know- door like this are fascinating to small youths. All three of my littles are currently gathered around the hole, whispering about cat pooping habits 😂😂😂😂

Izzy stands in my living room. I often worry about small children and their reaction to her. Until five minutes ago when my three year old came out, shook her hand, fixed her tutu skirt and called her pretty

#thisisfostercare #kidshavenofear

Did you know that when you take a bath- everything gets wet but your bones? I was informed of this scientific fact by a six year old this evening.