Oh
My
Goodness

Ok so I have plans for everything including invading aliens and sea monsters coming out of the Ohio but the last thing I ever expected when I checked the weather for Via set up day was a fire weather watch 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mother Nature needs wine, chocolate, cheese and a marathon of Steel Magnolias

FFS

At this point – well ….well …..
alright hear me out:

I haven’t had my via nightmare yet this year …. However maybe, just maybe I won’t because my stupid AccuWeather app is nightmare enough.

Maybe the lesson here is to embrace the nightmare you have instead of looking for another nightmare – love it, call it Fluffy or Mittens and move on. Nightmares aren’t really greener on the other side. Your nightmare is just fine.

The universe could be saying – Dusty, why wait for another nightmare to come along when you have a perfectly good nightmare right here?

Or maybe the universe is truly challenging me to run a beautiful and loving festival in the middle of an apocalypse. Neil Gaiman style.

I just ordered five million dollars worth of tape – I got this. The event is pet friendly and welcoming after all, the Four Horseman can hitch their rides to the bike racks I have. Four horseman Horse petting zoo style.

They can wander the event admiring the art and creativity. Have a cocktail, grab a bite to eat and maybe even bounce in the bounce house.

War can get a cute butterfly face painting, Famine can paint a pumpkin and dance in the bubbles. Pestilence can sit and listen to the music social distance style while Death, all emo and spooky, can just grab a craft beer and try their hand at chalk art. While wearing cat headphones playing The Grateful Dead.

And I can spend the weekend admiring that being an End Times event coordinator is doable if you have a great team and a kick ass logistical plan.

😂😂😂

scene 512024
ridiculous o’clock in the morning

Setting – mess all over the house because a dog got sick in the middle of the night – conversation happens in kitchen

mother on way to get paper towels and bleach to clean up mess – frazzled, adorned in pajama and bathrobe, hair disheveled

teenager- hair done, makeup perfect, cute skirt and top, oblivious to the dog mess chaos all through the house that she literally walked around to get to the coffee maker

Teen – can you remind me how to work this thing? (gesturing to coffee maker, which by the way is pretty and pink but that is besides the point)

Mother – (channeling a line from Hamilton) – Are you out of your GD mind?

Teen – (oblivious to the potential pre-coffee raging motherly storm) – what?!?

Mother – there is literally a hot mess of grossness along the path you took to the kitchen and you didn’t think to get me or even help clean it up?

Teen – but … but .. coffee

Mother – (even more frazzled, grabs paper towels and bleach spray) – either you have to figure it out on your own or you are going to have to wait until after I clean this up and go to the bathroom

Teen – I should probably wait so I don’t break it and make your morning worse

Mother (shoots teen the dirtiest of looks) – probably for the best today

** ENTER SECOND TEEN WHO LITERALLY WALK PAST THE SAME MESS AND DIDN’T NOTICE***

Teen 2 – Have you seen my pimple patches?

Mother – ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW. (exits room armed with cleaning products and avoids further contact with both teens until post cleanup and restroom usage)

*end scene

the cognitive avoidance of the teens in my house is astounding

Life on crutches: I have four cats. Three of them have been little watching guardians and very gentle with me. It is adorable. Little did I know that my ugly cat would be stubborn and not want to move when I come through what is apparently her hallway. This hallway is the only way to the bathroom. She refuses to move. Not even when nudged gently with the tip of a crutch. She stares at me stubbornly. I am usually left with not many options. So in order to relieve my bladder, I have to perform an Olympic like stunt of vaulting my ugly cat. This is precarious because I am clumsy. Naturally clumsy. Being clumsy is how I wound up in this mess to begin with. My ugly cat doesn’t care. It is her hallway. I just have to deal with it.

Only me … so at ridiculous o’clock this morning, random nice doggie who was dinosaur sized showed up at my door. I sat on the porch in my pajamas with said nice doggie for a hot minute and scrolled the lost pet groups. I didn’t want to lose her and she was all kisses and love.

I also called animal control and they didn’t open until 9 so I kept scrolling. I certainly couldn’t bring her in my house – my dogs would have lost their collective minds.

So as I could not bring said doggie into my house with my herd, drastic measures needed to happen. For the record, it was cold at 6am on my porch in pajamas.

Now Simon and both youths were gone for work. I called my neighbor and asked her to come watch the doggie so I could go open my back gate which can only be opened from the back yard. She came over with about five minutes to spare before she had to leave for work.

I ran through my house, tripping on dogs, cats, specks of dust on the way out the back door.

Success.

We got the doggie, who was all kisses and 60lbs of love, into the backyard. I went inside, leaving the dinosaur doggie in my backyard.

Found the owners on the lost pet pages. Got ahold of the owners. they were at work. So was I 😂- fortunately I work from home. Now – my Agnes was hoofing her pocket hound hoof at the doggie on the back porch and the doggie was crying like I had mortally wounded her when I left. It was a loud morning.

I logged on to work as the owners figured out how to get her home. Lots of pocket hound hoofs and dinosaur doggie cries.

Fast forward, I am able to take the doggie home as the owners mom lives across the street from their house and can meet me.

I load this sixty pound dinosaur doggie into my murder car and head across town. My drive was nothing but doggie brontosaurus kisses.

I meet the mom in the driveway. We load the doggie trex into the house, all while warding off drool covered kisses.

Got her in the laundry room which has a doggie door. I walked twenty steps to get out of the house and guess what!?!?

This magical dinosaur doggie was sitting at my car 😂🤦🏻‍♀️- more kisses.
We got her back in the house and closed the doggie door.

Did the twenty step walk again – and guess what!??!

Houdini doggie was once again sitting at my car waiting for more kisses. She had pushed the doggie door up so she could meet me at the car.

I have never laughed so much as I did when this doggie rolled over for belly pets so she wouldn’t have to go inside. The mom was laughing – the dog just wanted pets.

We go her back inside to a bedroom. Third time was a charm. Apparently the recent storm broke their fence. And the dog was like “hell yeah freedom” and walked across town 😂😂

So Remington the dinosaur doggie is home safe. What a morning.

Let’s talk underwear

Three weeks post hysterectomy and I opened my underwear drawer to find my old period underwear still there. You know the ones. Big, baggy, looks like they came over on the Mayflower and subsequently survived a natural disaster.

These were my trusty, I don’t care if throw them away, period underwear. Rugged, worn and dependable. Not in the least bit sexy but definitely could hold up under the pressure of a monthly tsunami and the boat sized pads. They have been a staple in my life since I was a young girl starting puberty.

Every cycle I would whip those bad boys out like they were a super hero cape and throw them on with a dramatic sigh. Some would survive the cycle, others – no amount of scrubbing with peroxide would save them.

I have not tossed mine yet. I have no reproductive system – I am now host to a void. I love my new void. But those period underwear represent years of resilience in the face of ovaries and a uterus that were waging war.

Getting rid of them is almost like saying goodbye to an old friend who stood with you, fighting the inevitable avalanche of monthly bullshit. Like a comfort item. Weathered but resistant.

My goal is give my period underwear a peaceful send off right after my six week checkup. I am only waiting because – well – that is one of the last ties to the years of menstrual cycles. I am not defined by my levels of estrogen. But I certainly am learning to how to embrace this new lease of life as a woman.

So raise a glass to all of those pieces of clothing that we wear like armor every single month.

This time last year, we lost our basset hound after 12 years. A month ago, my 20 year old kitty passed and today, instead of sledding in the snow, we made the choice to end Ugly Cats suffering.

I am really over seeing vets. In fact -I looked back – I was in a vets office at least once month for the last 18 months.

We are probably looking at borrowed time with our two doggies Darth Vader and Sherlock as they are both senior citizens.

None of this sounds ok. All of this loss. Let’s not even talk about the expenses.

But here is what I can tell you. The animals in our home are spoiled rotten and well cared for. They are members of our family. So making these horrific choices is done out of love so they don’t have suffer in their last days.

They love us without condition. None of them have had easy lives before us – and they deserve to be spoiled once they are here. To be loved without condition.

We were in their lives until their last breath. Today Ugly went peacefully in my husbands arms, sticking her tongue out until the end like she had done so many times in life.

We will go through this again, at least 7 more times. We will cry. We will remember and we will move on.

As I reflect today, I understand the gravity of caring for aging animals. For giving senior animals a safe place to end their time. A snuggle in those last years is priceless.

So where all of this loss flat out sucks – knowing that they were loved with everything I have makes it a little easier to let go.

Thank you for your kindness this last year and the smiles and love. I am stubborn and sometimes a pain in the butt, but your support has made these decisions and dark times a little easier to bear.

My herd is growing smaller but that is ok. Because they are loved so completely for the time I am lucky enough to have them. And I was very very lucky to have been loved by my very own pet unicorn.

In my pre op appointment yesterday for my hysterectomy- the nurse said that I should get up and walk around after surgery. It will help the healing.

I said “like walk like I am haunting the house? Ooze about the homestead like a half drunk poltergeist? Like walk how? is there like a step goal or time interval?”

She was amused and said that she had never heard that one before.

I said “welcome to my world”
💀💀💀

hauntingandhealing

We have been talking about going to camp for a long weekend with her Girl Scout troop for three weeks.

Today, as I picked her up from school, when I told her we had to go home and pack, she immediately got scared and asked why

I recognized that moment. That moment where she thought she wasn’t good enough to stay and that she had to move again.

I simply said “for camp – like we are leaving to drop you off today”

The biggest sigh of relief came out of her mouth and she said “oh yeah”

I said “why what did you think”

She said “I thought you meant pack to move out”

I simply said “I mean, you can move to camp 😂 because I don’t think you are ready for college just yet”

The look of straight teenage sarcasm that I got was hilarious and enough to break her tension.

And gave me a minute to put my heart back together as her fear in that moment broke it into a million pieces.

This is an everyday thing. The uncertainty and I will be damned if she has to face it alone.

This is foster care and somedays you take a win when you can find it

Notes from the car rider line

1. Have plenty of gas. You could be sitting there for three days
2. It says drop off starts at 7:45am. That means you need to leave your house that is five minutes from the school at 4:30am to secure your place in line
3. Be direct in your placement. You do not need to let every car that came up a side street into the main line – they should have made better choices for line entry
4. It is acceptable to throw your child out of the car like she is running from zombies and you are chucking her to safety. This also applies to the backpack, lunchbox, makeup bag and pallet of bricks she inevitably decides to carry to school
5. Nourishment is key. Do not make the mistake of leaving your iced latte at home thinking you will just wait til you arrive back to your domicile to enjoy its goodness. You will get home and it will be a watery and pitiful excuse for a glorious latte
6. Carry supplies – hair spray, Bobby pins, emergency rations, tape, zip ties or whatever else might appropriate to fix any last minute disasters
7. Bring a large novel. You will have time to read it before you go a block. Screw it, bring two – that way you can at least occupy yourself for some time.
8. Don’t cry – never show weakness. That mom looking flustered with 17 kids in her van – she will eat you alive and rightfully so if she had to wrangle all those youths
9. Nothing can prepare you for the drama that will come from the passenger seat because your vehicle hasn’t moved for 8.6 seconds- nothing. Just lean into it and remember – it is only twice a day
10. Finally – these notes will update with inclement weather. I am sure it will be even more treacherous.

If you have ever really spent any time with me, one of the first things you will notice is that I always speak about my mom. She is strong, resilient, fearless, talented, beautiful and exceptionally awesome.

You will find me often discussing her accomplishments, strengths, bravery and darker sense of humor. I am sure I have told you about how she once informed me that if she died before the finale of Game of Thrones that I was to Ouija Board her spirit in so that she knew how it ended.

Or the time she was reprimanding me for something and my grandmother just laughed and told me about how she once ran away to the circus.

Or all the times I brought a ghost into my house because it needed to get to her. Like some sort of paranormal rescue shelter. Lost ghosts needing homes. Most not housebroken 😂

Or the time I took a human head on a stick to sixth grade catholic school show and tell.

Or about the five hundred other stories I have because having her as a mom has never been a dull moment.

I am sure I have told you about all the times she pushed me to do what is right even if it was hard. Or the times she talked me down from ledges when the world was cruel. Or the times she helped me through every time I had broken heart that came with foster care or losing a loved one. Or so many other things.

I am also sure that anyone can see the this woman is undeniably amazing. I am also sure that I have the best mom on the planet. She never fails to help people, alive or dead. She had a week spot for anything with four fur feet, and she has a wicked sense of humor. On top of that- she is a talented artist and doesn’t put up with anyone’s crap.

And so so so much more ….

So today – I want to wish my mom the happiest of mother’s days.

Love you mom!