Ok so I probably just ordered enough pizza to feed an army
2 adults
Two teenagers
3 little girls

How do you math that? You don’t. You bust out the credit card you just paid off from your last placement and you order enough to feed an army

thisisfostercare

Criminal Minds be damned. So, as is typical of Dusty, I wanted a very specific car. Like super specific year and make and model and especially the color. I wasn’t going to settle. The car make, model and trim package that I wanted stopped being produced in 2019. Why am I like this? Sheesh. Anywho…..

I knew I needed a new car, put it off for years but finally caved, looked and looked and found the car I wanted. Let me say this … I just have to keep laughing because damn …

I found the very specific car that I wanted on Carvana. Dammit. Buying online could be a good thing or very very bad. Couldn’t have just gone and settled for a similar car. Local dealership, probably a salesman I know personally because tons of my friends work for dealerships. No not me. If I am going to spend money, it has to be what I want. And I willl search until I find it – even if it is across the damn country.

I have read the reviews- some are good and others are nightmare fueled. But they had the car I wanted. So I tempted fate. And Fate, well Fate is giggling at me.

Found car. Looked at pictures. Great review. Cool, cool. One owner, lower miles, car fax looked fab – a few “light scratches” noted in the pictures, great “try the car for 7 days to see if you like it” policy – let’s do this – because why the hell not. Fate might have busted a rib from laughing so hard in this moment. I clicked “purchase” and my adventure really began.

The buying process was easy.
The rest … easy but damn…

1. They promise a clean and highly detailed car upon delivery. So….. well … let’s just say there was dirt. The seats hadn’t be cleaned- ever. The carpets were so-so. oh ok – so it wasn’t filthy, obviously had been somewhat cleaned – but no “highly detailed” …. On top of the dirt- There was a mummified French fry between the seat and console. This thing was museum quality mummified. Also there might be blood splatter on the interior. My husband is convinced I bought a murder car. Wouldn’t that be listed in the car fax? 😂- they are sending me $100 visa gift card to say sorry … #murdercar – I mean it did come from Arizona and have you seen the footage of bodies from Lake Mead?
2. Light scratches – well I am just going to say that should I decide to keep the car, it already has a body shop repair estimate scheduled for Monday and needs the hood repainted because there are chips. I don’t mean one or two – this thing has measles. Or it is cosplaying as a Dalmatian. Either way, they are footing the bill should I decide to keep it. “Light scratches” my ass.
3. The delivery process was not hard, delivery guy was awesome – local (yes I invited him to Via Colori Kentucky because I have no shame)- so that was a plus. Super embarrassed about the museum quality mummified French fry I discovered. I didn’t notice the #murdercar blood splatter until later because I was hyper focused on the perfectly mummified French fry. Like mummified to where it should have gifted me wishes or a super hero costume.
4. The car, as typical of most cars purchased these days, was supposed to have floor mats. No floor mats. This reinforces my husbands theory that it is a #murdercar – no floor mats, less evidence, fate is crying laughing at this point. Should I decide to keep it – Carvana is sending me all weather floor mats. Fine easy fix. Still probs a #murdercar

Finally – the car is going for a mechanical inspection Sunday. Head to toe – or rather tire to tire – so hopefully nothing comes of that. I still have six days to make my decision. It, as my life always happens, should be an adventure.

Now we are trying to decide since it could be a #murdercar – if there is a potential for ghosts .. because with everything else, why the hell not. But it is pretty and has what I wanted. Mostly. I didn’t choose #murdercar, it chose me

We joke about the things that go bump in the night around our house all the time. Doors open and close, things go missing and wind up in very unusual places, there is the occasional cold spot, whispers in dark hallways, strange smells and inevitably there are always footsteps where there shouldn’t be. But last night was hilarious. Let me share

My husband woke up because he noticed a shadow in the bedroom closet. Thought nothing of it.

Went back to sleep.

A bit later he woke again. The clothes in our bedroom closet were moving slightly and there was a shoe outside the closet door. Again, thought nothing of it. Went back to sleep.

Finally on the third waking, there was definitely a shadow in the bottom of closet.

As he was telling me this story earlier this morning, I was starting to get frustrated because ghosts I can handle. Rude ghosts who have no common courtesy are a whole other thing. Sheesh.

He said “maybe our man is getting stronger”

I said “oh hell no. I will lay my phone next to a Ouija board and play non stop Justin Beiber before I let this ghost keep me from sleep”

I look over to the closet and all my shoes are out of the closet.

At this point, I am done. So done with this ethereal rudeness that I am plotting his eternal suffering in the afterlife with bad youtube videos of karaoke. No one messes with my shoes.

Then I hear “thump”
“Thump”
“Thump”

“Thump” next to the bed.

Simon starts laughing. Because that Thump was attached to a tail. A happy tail.

Lo and behold
Turns out our ghost gets to be Justin Beiber free for one more day.

Turns out our foster dog Boone dog has finally evolved into a real hound dog. He made a nest in our bedroom closet. I am so proud of him. #hauntinghound #goodboy

So I was so excited that Boone dog was playing with his toy that I failed to close the gate to the kitchen. 35 seconds of fast coon hound and tired foster mom later and BOOM!

Cat food all over the kitchen. Like a tornado of Purina.

Meanwhile, in an attempt to transverse the miles of friskies, I erupted into a fit of laughter because he was such a normal dog! And that made me happy. My husband stood there looking at me like I was the dopey hyena from the Lion King.

Needless to say, Boone is wonderful. And amazing and such a dog!

I also failed to notice that in the midst of this fiasco, my old cat fell in the toilet.

neveradullmoment

Day 4 of stomach grossness

After my teenage daughter’s stupid f$#*in alarm went off at 6:30am for no damn reason and woke me up- I emerged from bed in a sweatshirt and fuzzy pants due to chills – I was still freezing cold. Freezing cold in the heat of summer. What is this absurd BS?

After pushing aside the thought of barging into said teenager’s room and hurling her damn phone through her window, I zombie shuffled to the kitchen because I desperately wanted coffee.

I was determined to get coffee. I didn’t care if I puked for hours, coffee was the only thing on my mind. I almost made it to the Keurig when my stomach flipped upside down and tried to eat itself. The curse words that ran through my head would probably get me kicked off Facebook if I typed them out.

Four days in and I can tell you that I absolutely abhor the tiles in my bathroom. Every single one of them. I also hate that my extra toilet paper is kept neatly in a closet, out of sight. Like who really cares if someone sees your extra toilet paper? I don’t anymore. I am flaunting my pack of angel soft. It is right next to my toilet.

After counting the tiles in my bathroom for the 185,764,763th time, I made it back to the kitchen. I made my coffee. Two sips in and instantly regretted that decision. My stomach is currently flipping inside out. I believe it could win some twirling competition. And it so loud. Like shut up already – I know that coffee was a bad idea. Sheesh.

Today is my day off. I am training trauma informed care for eight hours tomorrow. I have only eaten a spoonful of mashed potatoes and a bowl of chicken broth with some plain ramen noodles since Tuesday … food is the devil.

This is war and my stomach is winning. If the shivering from the chills doesn’t end me – my stomach definitely will try to hasten my demise.

I will be victorious though and when I am well, I am taking a sledgehammer to my bathroom walls. Because those tiles are hideous. And when I finish the bathroom, I might display my extra toilet paper like trophies on a shelf within reach of the toilet.

Headed back to bed because I am freezing cold and I am afraid of my weakened state as I might do something crazy – like try to function as an adult while be eaten alive from the inside out 😂😂😂💩

I need to learn to grieve in more appropriate ways. I preach that grieving is done on your own terms – no one gets to dictate when or how you grieve. Yet I avoid grief. It is wrapped inside a stillness that is overwhelming and I could easily drown in it.

I throw myself into work. I throw myself into projects and helping others and movement. I am always moving. Figuratively and literally. Standing still can be terrifying when you have to face the pain of any type of loss.

This week it was work. I am fortunate that I have an amazing team (and boss) at work who recognized my need to just work and work and work this week because I wasn’t ready to grieve. I found out about the death of my friend on Thursday in the middle of a meeting about an hour before a presentation I had worked days on.

My heart broke. It broke for his friends and his family and his wife and his daughter. It broke because it was too soon and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to someone who had been there for long time. Someone who was always kind. And someone I cared about. But I wasn’t ready to be still.

I avoided the stillness. Maneuvering around it with skill and determination. This presentation was directly tied to the brave thing I have been working on for a few weeks. So I had to do it. It also meant that the stillness would be kept at bay a bit longer.

I want that brave thing to work out in the worst way because it would be a dream come true but if it doesn’t, at least I gave my best.

I didn’t have time to be still and I didn’t have the strength to handle the tears and the brave thing at the same time.

So-

I took a moment to catch my breath. Told my boss what happened and just asked to be allowed to work and grieve when I was ready. I wasn’t ready to cry. It would mean being still. Being still is not something I do easily.

She offered her condolences and agreed to let me do what I needed to do. Today was a huge event that I had been working on for months. It was needed for so many reasons and for so many people and though, given the circumstances, I am sure I could have taken time to grieve and they would have supported it, I wasn’t ready. I needed today.

I was not ready to be still. I am not sure they will ever grasp how much I needed to work this week. How much I needed to keep moving. But they respected it. What a beautiful thing to do – respect the terms of someone’s grief.

My work is done for the week and tomorrow, I will take some time for myself. I usually jump into a tattoo chair for my grieving process. It is forced stillness and it works to help the healing process- which is fine but I have spent the last couple of days trying to figure out how the hell you tattoo an air guitar. That compounds the loss. The inability to craft an air guitar on skin seems silly but it fueled the raw emotions that go along with grief.

If that is even what I need which I am not sure it even is. A tattoo might not be the answer this time.

People have such profound effects on our lives that sometimes we take for granted that they will always be there – until they aren’t. Being still also means recognizing the impact someone had on you and that vulnerability deserves to be considered while sitting in the stillness of loss.

I keep most of my friends , even those I am closest to, on the fringe so I can process every vulnerable emotion on my terms. The loss of my friend this week reminded me that time is fleeting and it is ok to be still but that doesn’t make the stillness less horrific.

So many times today I heard “how can I help you” as I was running to and fro. I couldn’t explain that I needed to keep moving. Nonstop. They wanted to help as helpers do and they are amazing people. But I couldn’t stop. Stopping meant being still. So- I would smile and say “I’m fine” and “thank you” and move, move, move.

They all helped and didn’t need to me to stop. It was exactly what I needed.

But today …. today I met tons of people and even accepted AND leaned into hugs. We all know that I am just not a hugger by nature – I like my bubble thank you very much – but those hugs – they were authentic and from strangers … but kind and strong strangers – so maybe those hugs were part of that healing.

Because in those brief hugs – I was still. Brief moments of stillness in what was a chaotic soup of goodness. But I didn’t cry. I didn’t have time and that is ok.

Next week will be hard – not just because of the recent loss of my friend but because it is my first 4th of July without my friend who passed last year. Fourth of July was our shared holiday. I am not sure how to do it without her. And I am not sure I ever took the time to grieve her passing appropriately. To be still and celebrate her memory and grieve her loss. It hurt too much. It still does.

The need for stillness eventually catches up though. It comes without warning when you least expect it.

Last night I cried. The stillness is creeping in a little at a time. It finds the cracks and crevices where we let our guard down and it permeates your emotional core.

We went firework shopping after I finished wrapping up stuff for work. It was a long 14 hour work day before what was going to be an even longer day today but my husband didn’t leave my side the whole evening. Maybe he knew that fireworks would set it off – the flood of grief I have been avoiding since Thursday.

Or maybe not but either way – grieving sucks. Period. The stillness crept in because I was tired and my walls went down a little. The tears flowed.

But the walls went back up and I went back into work mode. I wasn’t ready to be still. Today happened and now I sit, almost prepping for battle because tomorrow will have moments of stillness because it is time.

I will take time to be still – to acknowledge the grief and to allow the healing to begin. To allow for the tears to flow, to acknowledge the anger and remember those I have lost in the last year. Too many.

However – if you need me – I am always here for you.

Just count on me not standing still for too long – because eventually you have move forward and honor the memories and allow for time to help heal the place where the loss broke off a piece of you.

So many people are grieving this week and every week. Hiding from their stillness or facing it head on – either way – remember to be very gentle with them and yourself.

If you are lost in the stillness, I am here – ❤️

Even in my stillness, reach out and I will take your hand and help.

So lots and lots of stress can give me hives. Just a thing I have had all my life. My mom used to deal with a swollen little girl in a gentle manner and I had lots of allergy shots and allergy tests. And hugs. And a bubble around my bed – you know – normal stuff 😂 (ok I was allergic to everything even lettuce)

Now as adult, I have found workarounds. A little oatmeal bath and some benedryl and I am right as rain. Shockingly Via has never given hives – just one random nightmare a year. Most things don’t stress me out.

However tonight, in a conversation with a dear friend, I named my pending hive- his name is Itchy the hive and he is going to make an appearance this week. Just a lot going on and I always set expectations of my performance super high. Hence the potential appearance of the hive 😂

That and a gigantic event at work that I am planning for next weekend with about 100 people, most of whom I have not met because 2020 was horrific – you know – giant event with lots of volunteers and people who need acknowledgement- the normal 😂

I feel like Itchy the Hive should have have own comic strip because this week – he will be joined by friends. Thank goodness the bathroom is finished because oatmeal baths are in my future 😂😂

So I did a brave thing this week. That is not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about was that someone, the person on the receiving end of my brave step, acknowledged that is was brave and thanked me for doing said brave thing. She acknowledged the internal steps that had to be taken to do said brave thing. She applauded those steps authentically.

I had to look deep inside myself and remind myself of the things that truly brought me joy and then I had to do the brave thing. I had help in that decision. I had two friends and my husband who reminded me that I am more than capable and that it is ok to be brave when you don’t feel so courageous.

The woman I spoke with today reminded me in our conversation that it is ok to give yourself grace. That is ok to be patient in those times of internal struggle. That it is ok to reach out to friends and share that struggle.

I am also reminded that I have worked in some truly toxic environments over the years and for (and with) some truly toxic people.

Those who just suck the joy out of life and have a profound effect on your confidence. Sometimes you don’t know notice the damage until you are far away. Like being in the sun too long, that sunburn will leave scars.

I also reminded that I have been in some truly toxic relationships both friend and other.

I wonder how much of the trauma we may have truly impacts our selections of things. That is whole other topic for another day.

I am super blessed now to be working for an organization that coaches, values, trusts and acknowledges. I am blessed to be surrounded by authentic people who truly raise me up and who keep me grounded at the same time. I am truly blessed to know genuinely good people.

So today my friends, take a moment to give yourself some grace. To be gentle with yourself. To be wrap your arms around yourself and remind yourself that you are so very strong and so very cherished.

And if you are thinking of doing a brave thing or just need to be reminded of how amazing you really are or that you are not alone – I am a message away. And don’t forget the sunblock ☀️

First attempt at a creepy pasta –

It was a dark and stormy night. She had arrived at the vacation home after midnight and simply threw down her luggage and went to bed. Twenty hours of driving simply wore her out.

Thunder woke her.

The lights had gone out an hour ago. Her bedside alarm clock blinked this information. Blink.Blink. Blink.

After waiting a bit to see if they would return, she gave in and climbed out of bed. She had to pee. Pure and simple. Her bladder beat out the possibility of monsters under the bed.

Fortunately the bathroom was right off the bedroom. The door had been closed upon her arrival.

She stepped in the bathroom. Her foot fell on something soft. Too soft. Familiar yet wrong.

She jumped back.
Thank goodness it was no longer unacceptable to look at your phone while going about nature’s calling. She pulled the slim smart phone from the pocket of her pants.

She found the the flashlight app.
Switched it on.
The blink
Blink
Blink
From the alarm clock illuminated the hallway.

It was unnerving

She turned to shine her flashlight towards the floor of the bathroom.

Blink
Blink
Blink

A scream escaped from here throat.
She backed away slowly
Unable to comprehend the horror that she witnessed in this vacation home.

The website had never stated that the one and only bathroom was carpeted. From tub to door.

The storm raged on outside and she went to look for an umbrella.

The end.

I want a time machine. If the garden of Eden was real and god really did punish all of womankind because Eve ate that apple… then a time machine is a perfect wish to be granted.

I would load that thing with chocolate and peanut butter and introduce Eve to Reese’s and tell her to forget that stupid apple.

No apple is worth 736,829,363 years (estimate) of menstrual cycles to women she will never know or meet.

Peanut butter might be. Apple -not so much.

I spent my morning in a chair for blood work and in a bed for a very uncomfortable vaginal ultrasound while on my cycle. Why? Because supposedly an apple was eaten and frankly, I have some strong words for all involved in that moment in time and space.

If the Doctor shows up with his magic blue box and asks where I want to go – Eden will be my answer because slapping that talking devil snake sideways, discussing the long term ramifications of his stupid punishment with God and introducing Eve to peanut butter will be worth any fluctuations in the time line.

stupidapples