Tag: be trauma informed

Ducklings

I call my kiddos ducklings. It is an easy moniker

This morning one of them drew me a surprise picture and it took everything I had in me not to cry

It is crumbled because she rolled it up to surprise me

This crumbled photo is a reminder of why I do this. I mean come on – look at my muscles lol

Crying through another part of the story

After a day filled with heartbreak and anger (not duckling related), I am sitting in my living room.

Duckling #1 is curled up with my one son

Duckling #2 is discussing stinky feet and stinky socks with my husband

Duckling #3 is laying on the floor at my other kid’s feet singing to Mr Nubs the rescue cat

They are all happy

Sometimes it is what it is and you can’t change the decisions that other people make. You can’t cure all the hurt or help all the kids.

Sometimes it is just about what is in your bubble and even though it is not all of the kids that need a safe place to land – these three remind me that it is one day at a time.

Sometimes you just have to swallow the anger and the hurt and move on.

You won’t forget the hurt. The heartbreak will linger. But for tonight – the ducklings and my teens need me to keep it together because they need a safe place.

I will fight for foster kids. I will beg for foster parents. I will plead for support to help the above. I will also cry tonight for the ones that the system failed. Those the system let go too soon. The ones they said would be ok. The ones that they ignored.

I will hate every minute of this because we have to do better. It is never enough.

Hopefully this new administration gets their collective crap together and fixes the cracks that constantly open because kids are failing through those cracks. It is no longer ok.

I am a foster parent. I also work to find new foster parents and to educate everyone I know on the trauma associated with adverse childhood experiences. To raise money for foster kids and parents. To bring a community together to stand up for these kids.

You don’t have listen. I hope you will. I hope you will consider breaking your own heart a thousand times over to help these kids.

I promise – the hugs at the end of the day and giggles and even the snark of teenagers is worth every tear.

So tonight, there won’t be a cute post followed with a wine glass. I am out of wine dammit and I can’t go get any 😂 I have ducklings to tuck in

But I will cry and be really really angry and that is just another part of the story. The ugly part. That part we don’t talk about.

And tomorrow will be another day.

#thisisfostercare
#befosteraware

Vetting homes

Controversial post right here – if children are placed into a foster home which has jumped through hoops to prove they are safe to place kids in, I personally believe removing them from that foster home to place into the care of a random relative without the same hoops could very well prove to be dangerous and even more traumatic.

I am not saying all relative or kin placements are bad. In fact, I am all for kids staying with family.

But too often anymore kids are being placed with random people who are not properly screened and it is turning out to be very bad.

On the opposite side, relatives aren’t getting enough support to handle kids who have been through trauma either

I don’t believe that enough is done to prove the safety and well being of kids who have been through trauma in some scenarios

Shame on those who take the easy way out or cut safety corners to reduce caseloads or costs or whatever the reasoning is

It, in the end, is not helping

We can do better
We have to do better

Kentucky – you can do better
#befosteraware

Stupid walls and big huge emotions

What a whirlwind the last hour was. My three and four year olds lost their collective minds

At the same time.

They want to go home. Why can’t they go home? Why is the wall so stupid? (I am not kidding about that question)

All things I can’t change or answer. They have held it together for 39 days. Today was just the day to let it all out

At one time

They kicked the (stupid) walls, threw toys, screamed and basically had the temper tantrums of all temper tantrums.

I let it happen. They were safe. They aren’t strong enough to do damage to themselves or my 100 year old walls.

They only had plush things to throw.

Blankets can be picked up and pillows can be fluffed back out.

The oldest went out to help Simon hang lights and the younger two were left to just cry.

My oldest – She was fine. We explained that it is ok to be sad or angry and she was just content to help with Christmas decorating.

Crying is not a bad thing in my house. They didn’t want comfort – they wanted to be angry and sad and left alone. So I complied. I waited in the hallway to make sure no one got hurt and just them throw their fit.

They stayed in their room. They cried. And screamed and yelled. And then- one at a time, they were done.

Hugs were given. Tears were dried.

Such huge emotions for such little ducklings.

We are getting comfortable. When foster kids realize they are safe, these big emotions come out. They never come out in easy ways. They are vulnerable with these big emotions and they can only be vulnerable when they feel safe.

It is just a big storm. We weather it and move onto a brief glimpse of the sun. There will be more storms to come. And more hugs to come when they are needed

This is foster care
It will break your heart in a 100 different ways. And yet, they are safe and they are calm (for now) and tomorrow we will face another day … and they are not alone in this mess. And frankly every duckling needs a safe place to be vulnerable.

#thisisfostercare

30 days and some change

So 30 days of littles … what have i learned
 
The clearest lesson is that foster care is hard. Really really really hard. I knew that already.
 
I can’t get past how much I really hurt for these kiddos. I tell people all the time – it is broken system – we just help where we can when we can because it is the right thing to do.
 
The last 60 days has brought that point again.
 
This is my third emergency placement since September 1. The heartbreaking portion of this month, outside of the whole heartbreaking part, is this –
 
we had a placement for 3 whole days in September prior to our current littles. It was an emergency. We said yes as we usually do.
 
A 3&5 year old. The state determined that they needed to go from my house to a relative placement after three days. I wasn’t sad. If kids can go somewhere they know and it is a good fit, I am all for it. I am huge supporter of reunification and family support.
 
The heartbreak comes in every day when I see those kiddos. They go to the same daycare as my current littles. EVERY SINGLE DAY, those kiddos run up to me, hug me and ask to come back to my house. I don’t think they are being mistreated with their relative. I really don’t. I just think we were a lot of fun in a scary time.
 
My husband had off from work the day before the Via Colori Street Painting Festival 2019. He came to daycare with me to pick up our current group of 3 littles. The previous littles lost their mind when they saw him. Ran right past me and hugged him like their life depended on it.
 
I am not saying this because we are awesome and have the best foster home. I am saying this because those children, whom we had for 3 days, still want to come to our house. Two months later. Trauma imprints on the brain. Trauma will shape their lives forever.
 
I try to explain trauma like this –
 
It is a giant elephant in the kitchen. The longer you ignore it, the larger the elephant becomes. However, though the elephant won’t go away, it can become smaller and more manageable if you don’t ignore it. Maybe it can help with the dishes or cooking. Maybe just maybe it might get so small that you can put it in a drawer and only remember it when it rears it’s ugly head through triggers or flashes of things that make you revisit scary moments.
 
We want to help the kiddos in our world reshape and redefine their elephants. Being Trauma Informed is never ever a bad thing when it comes to working with kids.
 
The kiddos we had in September will slowly forget about us and we hope that they work through the trauma, but ultimately – we will never know.
 
The not knowing is hard. When you get an emergency placement – you know nothing. They usually hand you a scared kiddo and an empty binder. It could be weeks before you can piece together some semblance of a story. Or you could never find out.
 
We won’t know the whole story of any kid that comes into our home. That sucks. It is hard to fix something without all of the pieces.
 
However – i would suggest – if you can foster – DO IT! I hate that we need foster homes but I am glad to be a safe harbor.
 
I also struggle with the talking heads who don’t live on the front lines. I struggle with people who get on social media and claim to be changing the landscape and are so out of touch with reality. They chose to put on a happy face, say things are changing and deep down – I can’t figure out how they sleep night because it is getting worse. They put a pretty band-aid on a open artery and state that it is getting better. This is hard for me to swallow. Maybe I need to sit on some important committee and wake people up. On second thought, that is a terrible idea. My northern lack of filter would not be the best for a political landscape. 
 
So if you are like me and want to put your money where your mouth is and you live in Kentucky – consider becoming a foster parent. I can help you. Call me 502-338-3640
or visit this hand dandy website
 
I promise, you won’t be alone. You will not be on an island by yourself. You will be part of a movement to change the landscape of children. I can’t promise it won’t be hard but i can promise you – you won’t be alone in that hardness.
 
#thisisfostercare
#befosteraware
38814383_1933027243445864_8668270058130112512_n