Tag: hell

Ray ray and the awful day

Ray ray the teddy bear is one of my guests. He belongs to the middle duckling. He is a very very matted, old and obviously loved teddy bear, he holds an esteemed place in our house.

Today was an absolute dumpster fire of a day. The kind when you fight the good fight and it all goes to absolute sh*t no matter how well you fight. No matter how vested you are in the fight, you still lose. In losing, the kids you fought for also lose and you can’t come back from that in the same way you were before.

That kind of day. I have cried since yesterday. Tears of happiness, than absolute heartbreak, turning to anger and quiet frustration. (Huge thanks to friends who fought with me and who kept me grounded. To the hugs that comforted and the ears that listened to my rants, it was just that kind of day)

The kind of day that makes you want to give up. To say I can’t keep fighting this jacked up system. It is too broken, too corrupt, too much unacceptable BS. Kids are caught in that crossfire. Kids who have been hurt. Kids who have trauma. Kids who need every single person fighting for them.

It is razor thin line. I think I mentioned that foster care will break your heart. Today mine shattered.

I tried to hide my day from the ducklings. I tried to make sure they had no idea. They need my strength. But it is plainly obvious just looking at my face. They were cute as always. They were just my ducklings.

But I am sad. It shows. So I told them that I was having a sad sad day. That sometimes just being sad is ok. As long as we don’t hurt others or ourselves with our sadness. They all explained their sad day too. Bless them 😂

Their sad day included a boy who pinched them, a rip in pants and a sticker that wouldn’t stick. They told me it was going to be ok. They also told me that I was the best person. I told them that they needed to meet more people 😂

That was dinner time. We went to training tonight and they played. We came home and I tucked them into bed. My duckling offered me ray ray to help my sad day not be so sad. I literally almost lost it right there.

I quietly thanked her and made my escape as quickly as possible. My boys are sad and angry and my husband has stated he is done. He is so so angry and very hurt right now. Rightfully so. He stepped way out of his comfort zone only to be smacked around, his emotions tossed to the side. Same with my boys. Same with me.

He will very angrily and grudgingly see his way through this placement and no more after that. He won’t deal with the powers that be at all. It is all on me. He would take a 100 kids but he won’t deal with the system after today. What was left of my heart turned to dust. Today was just that kind of day.

Tomorrow we will start picking up the pieces and putting it all back together again. It won’t be the same. When you break a mirror, you never get the same image. The damage is forever.

I can’t discuss what happened because it is confidential. I can say it was awful. It showed me a side of things that I can’t process. It also showed me that there are still people willing to fight the good fight. There are still kids to help. There is still so much more that can be done.

I saw people fight the good fight today. I also saw some really awful complacency. And in the end, a duckling that has known me all of six weeks offered me her most precious possession. Ray ray.

And for her and her sisters, we won’t be complacent. I haven’t figured out the next steps for my family. I have figured out that I need ray ray as much as ray ray needs us right now. Safe places to land are vital for kids in care. We are a safe place for them and for now, that will have to be enough

#thisisfostercare

Hell on Earth – hormone style

So it takes courage to admit when you are wrong. For years I told a dear friend that I looked forward to hot flashes because it was better than being cold all the time. Let me you, I was wrong. So very wrong.

Apparently hot flashes really are like being swallowed into the pits of hell when all you want to do is sleep.

Like being roasted alive by cavemen who really just want to see you burn.

Like laying out in the sun, in the Sahara, sipping lava.

Like vacationing to the core of the Earth. Every damn night.

They are evil. Pure evil. Like my hormones can take a flying leap. (Insert as many curse words and expletives as you can right here and you will have my mood)

You know what is worse though than hot flashes? A damn teenager waking you up after your night of languishing in a torture chamber of sweat to sign a (insert A LOT of curse words here) piece of paper that he had for a (more expletives) week.

You will have had no sleep, the cats that sleep with you hissed at you all night because you fought with the blankets, sheets and your own skin.

You, at one point through the night, will have contemplated sleeping in the bathtub. With ice water. Cosplaying the Titanic.

You will have weighed the option of drowning or being burned alive from the inside out. Really, both suck. You might do as I did and just angrily reach for the switch for the ceiling fan. Turn it on high. Glare at your husband when he complains. Like really glare. One complaint from divorce glare.

It is so bad, having to get up to sign that (EXPLETIVES) piece of paper- you won’t even want your usual wine. You will ooze out of your sweat soaked bed and head to the living room to sign his (EXPLETIVE) piece of paper.

When his friend comes to pick him up, he will say “Good Morning” very pleasantly and then he will see you. Really see you.

That friend will “oomph” and laugh because you look like you just went 9 rounds with Satan himself.

You will want to murder that friend, your kid and probably your husband. You will want to murder them with a 1000000 paper cuts from that (EXPLETIVE) piece of paper.

You won’t though. They probably don’t have your favorite wine in prison.

You will sign that piece of paper and smile at that friend. And then you will get in the shower and blissfully allow the water to hit your poor parched skin.

Satan will laugh at this point. Hysterically.

Because the minute that cool water hits your skin, you will scream because now you are freezing cold. Those screams would be censored in 19 countries. Not because of the volume. No – they will be censored because you have screamed curse words that never existed until that water hit your poor poor skin.

You will probably spend the rest of the day wanting to eviscerate everyone. It is ok. I am with you. I am with you because that is my day today because I was so very very wrong and hot flashes are literal hell.