I have found that most people don’t admit to when they are hurt or vulnerable. Today I am both. Today would be a terrible day for me to go an animal shelter. Because I would take every single animal home. Because I hurt. I hurt so so much. I have spent four years waiting for yesterday. It didn’t make it any easier.
I have a void. One that was 12 years in the making. It is vast. It is hollow and it very dark. It can be consuming. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to hide from my void. Let it consume me for once and be done with fighting the good fight.
Then an earthworm slimy nose hit my sleeping face and with some bad doggie breath and fur, my darth Vader reminded me about the need to get up and be part of life. My void be damned.
Though today is different. My kids have a void. My Darth Vader and Sherlock dogs have a void. They cried last night too. A dogs cry is the worst.
My husband, who told everyone he met what an ass Punkin was, has a void. My ugly cat, who claimed Punkin as her doggie, has a void. She can’t find him in his usual spot and she is unhappy about that. She keeps circling the spot, looking to us for answers.
I can’t fix any of their hurt. I can’t fill that void because it is impossible.
My head says “time will heal this void”. My heart says it will always be there and won’t be filled. My husband says “let’s get a mastiff because certainly that will be awesome” . He is a go big or go home kind of dude.
I am not getting a mastiff. My darth vader is 13 plus years old. Punkin was his friend for ten years. He needs time to heal too. The bond between animals is so real. So so real.
Anyone who knows me knows that my heart is large and I struggle with not bringing every child, animal or even adult into my home that needs help.
Shit, I even buy dead plants on clearance to try and bring them back. (Most of the time, that works). I treasure the unwanted, the hurt, the broken – but there is a void.
I think Punkin filled this void for me. I think this void was there before him. And now the void is bigger. Much bigger. My house is filled with animals that had a void. It is what I do. I try to fill their voids.
Maybe my void, which is dark and scary, and I finally need to sit down and work it out. It can’t be filled with anything. It needs to just go away. Or – maybe just maybe – my void makes me who I am and most days, I like who I am.
Some fill their void with religion or exercise or art or music. Some fill their voids with much darker stuff. I did that once. I was pretty self destructive.
Why am I posting this? Why do I constantly post personal stuff? Some would say for attention. Others just ignore it. But you know what – I recognize that everyone, everywhere has a void.
And I post because I don’t want to be alone with just my void. And I post because I also want others with voids to know that they are never alone.
So today is a new day. My void can go F itself. Because today, I am going to use that void and it’s dark and scary emptiness to do something wonderful and crazy and beautiful. And I am going to post about it. I just haven’t figured out what that something is yet.
Have a beautiful day. Thank you for yesterday and showing me that my doggie was so loved. For showing me that I was so loved. You are beautiful. Continue to be beautiful!!!
Parentingandwine 