Tag: parenting

Just a mama duck

I don’t use the term foster parent with the little ducklings. I am just Dusty. I am here to keep them safe while all the rest of the grownups get it together and figure things out.

I actually find this works. I am not their parent. It helps lessen the confusion with the littles.

To these ducklings – Simon is just Simon and Our boys – they are just the brothers. Our daughter is some mythical being whispered about 😂 (they seriously can’t figure out how she is our kid and not living here so we have them convinced she is magic) and my oldest – he is the oldest and often spoken about in passing as the person who slept on the couch during the “carnival” (Via Colori)

The people in my world – they are cool according to them 😂

However if you ask my oldest current duckling – Simon and I are the best foster parents she ever had. I mean we are the only ones she has had so there is not a lot to measure by but I will take it.

I didn’t teach her this word or the concept – kids talk I guess at school – I explained to her that she is not just my foster kid – she is one of my ducklings and that is the end of that.

Duckling is an easy moniker – and when people call me “mom” around them – I am quick to correct and say “nope just Dusty” – they always giggle and say “quack” 😂

It helps remind people that they are more than foster kids – they are so so much more.

Today the middle duckling brought home a drawing and said I could keep it forever so I never forgot her

Seriously kid 😂😂😂😂

#thisisfostercare 🐥🐥🐥

Ducklings

I call my kiddos ducklings. It is an easy moniker

This morning one of them drew me a surprise picture and it took everything I had in me not to cry

It is crumbled because she rolled it up to surprise me

This crumbled photo is a reminder of why I do this. I mean come on – look at my muscles lol

Ray ray and the awful day

Ray ray the teddy bear is one of my guests. He belongs to the middle duckling. He is a very very matted, old and obviously loved teddy bear, he holds an esteemed place in our house.

Today was an absolute dumpster fire of a day. The kind when you fight the good fight and it all goes to absolute sh*t no matter how well you fight. No matter how vested you are in the fight, you still lose. In losing, the kids you fought for also lose and you can’t come back from that in the same way you were before.

That kind of day. I have cried since yesterday. Tears of happiness, than absolute heartbreak, turning to anger and quiet frustration. (Huge thanks to friends who fought with me and who kept me grounded. To the hugs that comforted and the ears that listened to my rants, it was just that kind of day)

The kind of day that makes you want to give up. To say I can’t keep fighting this jacked up system. It is too broken, too corrupt, too much unacceptable BS. Kids are caught in that crossfire. Kids who have been hurt. Kids who have trauma. Kids who need every single person fighting for them.

It is razor thin line. I think I mentioned that foster care will break your heart. Today mine shattered.

I tried to hide my day from the ducklings. I tried to make sure they had no idea. They need my strength. But it is plainly obvious just looking at my face. They were cute as always. They were just my ducklings.

But I am sad. It shows. So I told them that I was having a sad sad day. That sometimes just being sad is ok. As long as we don’t hurt others or ourselves with our sadness. They all explained their sad day too. Bless them 😂

Their sad day included a boy who pinched them, a rip in pants and a sticker that wouldn’t stick. They told me it was going to be ok. They also told me that I was the best person. I told them that they needed to meet more people 😂

That was dinner time. We went to training tonight and they played. We came home and I tucked them into bed. My duckling offered me ray ray to help my sad day not be so sad. I literally almost lost it right there.

I quietly thanked her and made my escape as quickly as possible. My boys are sad and angry and my husband has stated he is done. He is so so angry and very hurt right now. Rightfully so. He stepped way out of his comfort zone only to be smacked around, his emotions tossed to the side. Same with my boys. Same with me.

He will very angrily and grudgingly see his way through this placement and no more after that. He won’t deal with the powers that be at all. It is all on me. He would take a 100 kids but he won’t deal with the system after today. What was left of my heart turned to dust. Today was just that kind of day.

Tomorrow we will start picking up the pieces and putting it all back together again. It won’t be the same. When you break a mirror, you never get the same image. The damage is forever.

I can’t discuss what happened because it is confidential. I can say it was awful. It showed me a side of things that I can’t process. It also showed me that there are still people willing to fight the good fight. There are still kids to help. There is still so much more that can be done.

I saw people fight the good fight today. I also saw some really awful complacency. And in the end, a duckling that has known me all of six weeks offered me her most precious possession. Ray ray.

And for her and her sisters, we won’t be complacent. I haven’t figured out the next steps for my family. I have figured out that I need ray ray as much as ray ray needs us right now. Safe places to land are vital for kids in care. We are a safe place for them and for now, that will have to be enough

#thisisfostercare

Vetting homes

Controversial post right here – if children are placed into a foster home which has jumped through hoops to prove they are safe to place kids in, I personally believe removing them from that foster home to place into the care of a random relative without the same hoops could very well prove to be dangerous and even more traumatic.

I am not saying all relative or kin placements are bad. In fact, I am all for kids staying with family.

But too often anymore kids are being placed with random people who are not properly screened and it is turning out to be very bad.

On the opposite side, relatives aren’t getting enough support to handle kids who have been through trauma either

I don’t believe that enough is done to prove the safety and well being of kids who have been through trauma in some scenarios

Shame on those who take the easy way out or cut safety corners to reduce caseloads or costs or whatever the reasoning is

It, in the end, is not helping

We can do better
We have to do better

Kentucky – you can do better
#befosteraware

Stupid walls and big huge emotions

What a whirlwind the last hour was. My three and four year olds lost their collective minds

At the same time.

They want to go home. Why can’t they go home? Why is the wall so stupid? (I am not kidding about that question)

All things I can’t change or answer. They have held it together for 39 days. Today was just the day to let it all out

At one time

They kicked the (stupid) walls, threw toys, screamed and basically had the temper tantrums of all temper tantrums.

I let it happen. They were safe. They aren’t strong enough to do damage to themselves or my 100 year old walls.

They only had plush things to throw.

Blankets can be picked up and pillows can be fluffed back out.

The oldest went out to help Simon hang lights and the younger two were left to just cry.

My oldest – She was fine. We explained that it is ok to be sad or angry and she was just content to help with Christmas decorating.

Crying is not a bad thing in my house. They didn’t want comfort – they wanted to be angry and sad and left alone. So I complied. I waited in the hallway to make sure no one got hurt and just them throw their fit.

They stayed in their room. They cried. And screamed and yelled. And then- one at a time, they were done.

Hugs were given. Tears were dried.

Such huge emotions for such little ducklings.

We are getting comfortable. When foster kids realize they are safe, these big emotions come out. They never come out in easy ways. They are vulnerable with these big emotions and they can only be vulnerable when they feel safe.

It is just a big storm. We weather it and move onto a brief glimpse of the sun. There will be more storms to come. And more hugs to come when they are needed

This is foster care
It will break your heart in a 100 different ways. And yet, they are safe and they are calm (for now) and tomorrow we will face another day … and they are not alone in this mess. And frankly every duckling needs a safe place to be vulnerable.

#thisisfostercare

Bunk beds and Mimosas – circa 2017

Just so you know –

When putting together bunk beds – all the rails may look the same
They are not and they will all be on wrong.
And you will probably discover this when you are three quarters of the way complete with numb hands and sore arms.


You will then wish you had started this project at 9am with a mimosa because at the point you have to start over – you will want to switch to bourbon or straight scotch with a straw. Upon realizing that you have neither of these items in your house, you will kick the bunk bed

Thus hurting your pinky toe
These means you will want to drink more


You will also yell at the innocent cat who has been mocking you silently from the corner for four hours while you have subjected yourself to bunk bed hell.

So in the future, should you consider bunk beds
Rethink it and add an addition big enough for single beds OR drink while you read the instructions and pay attention to everything

While drinking
#adventuresinfosterparenting
#shouldhavepaidafriend50toassemble
#needabiggerliquorcabinet

Go to bed

7:55 and the girls are in bed

But not after we decided to have a knock down drag out fight which resulted in tears all the way around over who got to spit their toothpaste out first into the sink

My husband – master of eloquence- who is lacking in patience after a very trying day and lots of battles of wills – simply said “spit it out and go to bed- no special YouTube video tonight”

This led to rivers of tears “because it is not fair”

To which I gave bedtime hugs and am covered in kid grossness because tears and told them that tomorrow will be a better day … and maybe next time – they won’t try to murder each other over toothpaste spitting 🤦🏻‍♀️

Of course most of this is just because they are tired – they are sisters and really they have been through a lot in the last month. Also I did mention that they are sisters and are prone to wanting to fight.

And because not five minutes before above mentioned brawl – I told that them I won’t let them stay up with the brothers all night

You know – according to them – they are old enough 🙄 so they were already looking for reasons to be grumpy.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

#thisisfostercare

The evil princess castle from the depths of hell

Oh bless

I am taking a five minute time out

Simply because I am going to go into a little girls room and throw a singing castle out their window if I don’t escape for a hot minute

It sings and has a doorbell

What level of hell did this thing originate from? I think Satan himself would question the level of evil that seeps from the pink plastic staircase

Whichever toy company invented this diabolical piece of (expletive) should really be seeking forgiveness from a higher power than myself

The doorbell is the worst

After being rung 654,783,671 times – the batteries still haven’t died and I hear the stupid ding and I am instantly shaking

This is the same castle that I wanted to punch in its turret a month ago

And it happens to be one of their favorite toys

And of course – the ducklings fight over which imaginary guest is ringing the bell 🤦🏻‍♀️

So princess doorbells and fighting over imaginary guests is what I am listening to right now …

#thisisfostercare

30 days and some change

So 30 days of littles … what have i learned
 
The clearest lesson is that foster care is hard. Really really really hard. I knew that already.
 
I can’t get past how much I really hurt for these kiddos. I tell people all the time – it is broken system – we just help where we can when we can because it is the right thing to do.
 
The last 60 days has brought that point again.
 
This is my third emergency placement since September 1. The heartbreaking portion of this month, outside of the whole heartbreaking part, is this –
 
we had a placement for 3 whole days in September prior to our current littles. It was an emergency. We said yes as we usually do.
 
A 3&5 year old. The state determined that they needed to go from my house to a relative placement after three days. I wasn’t sad. If kids can go somewhere they know and it is a good fit, I am all for it. I am huge supporter of reunification and family support.
 
The heartbreak comes in every day when I see those kiddos. They go to the same daycare as my current littles. EVERY SINGLE DAY, those kiddos run up to me, hug me and ask to come back to my house. I don’t think they are being mistreated with their relative. I really don’t. I just think we were a lot of fun in a scary time.
 
My husband had off from work the day before the Via Colori Street Painting Festival 2019. He came to daycare with me to pick up our current group of 3 littles. The previous littles lost their mind when they saw him. Ran right past me and hugged him like their life depended on it.
 
I am not saying this because we are awesome and have the best foster home. I am saying this because those children, whom we had for 3 days, still want to come to our house. Two months later. Trauma imprints on the brain. Trauma will shape their lives forever.
 
I try to explain trauma like this –
 
It is a giant elephant in the kitchen. The longer you ignore it, the larger the elephant becomes. However, though the elephant won’t go away, it can become smaller and more manageable if you don’t ignore it. Maybe it can help with the dishes or cooking. Maybe just maybe it might get so small that you can put it in a drawer and only remember it when it rears it’s ugly head through triggers or flashes of things that make you revisit scary moments.
 
We want to help the kiddos in our world reshape and redefine their elephants. Being Trauma Informed is never ever a bad thing when it comes to working with kids.
 
The kiddos we had in September will slowly forget about us and we hope that they work through the trauma, but ultimately – we will never know.
 
The not knowing is hard. When you get an emergency placement – you know nothing. They usually hand you a scared kiddo and an empty binder. It could be weeks before you can piece together some semblance of a story. Or you could never find out.
 
We won’t know the whole story of any kid that comes into our home. That sucks. It is hard to fix something without all of the pieces.
 
However – i would suggest – if you can foster – DO IT! I hate that we need foster homes but I am glad to be a safe harbor.
 
I also struggle with the talking heads who don’t live on the front lines. I struggle with people who get on social media and claim to be changing the landscape and are so out of touch with reality. They chose to put on a happy face, say things are changing and deep down – I can’t figure out how they sleep night because it is getting worse. They put a pretty band-aid on a open artery and state that it is getting better. This is hard for me to swallow. Maybe I need to sit on some important committee and wake people up. On second thought, that is a terrible idea. My northern lack of filter would not be the best for a political landscape. 
 
So if you are like me and want to put your money where your mouth is and you live in Kentucky – consider becoming a foster parent. I can help you. Call me 502-338-3640
or visit this hand dandy website
 
I promise, you won’t be alone. You will not be on an island by yourself. You will be part of a movement to change the landscape of children. I can’t promise it won’t be hard but i can promise you – you won’t be alone in that hardness.
 
#thisisfostercare
#befosteraware
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The consequences of parenting- circa 2016

There is a grim side to parenting. With the positive social media family that is posted everyday – one side that raraely gets spoken about. But sooner or later someone has to say something … because everyone will see it at some point…

There comes a point in time that your teen or child who is not yet a teen might be self destructive or engage in things that are dangerous or downright stupid. Drugs, alcohol, explicit texting, bad grades, disrespect, bullying, shoplifting etc… this list goes on and on. It can happen to any child.

This will terrify you. This will disappoint you. This will anger you. There are natural consequences and logical consequences.

There is also an old fashioned come to Jesus meeting that could potentially break your heart. This is where you give the lecture. Even the best parents could be lost. It happens. It sucks. But we were young and we did the same things, in different ways – and our parents worried everyday about our safety and if we would live to see our much smarter 30s. It happens.

The sum of your parenting may hinge on this moment. You may fail. You may make them see some sense. You may win completely and they grow up to win a nobel peace prize. Either way – you will have tried.

In the end … this is still your child by blood or other. And in the end … our parents had the same thoughts and fears and hurts and failures. We can only hope that we teach them enough to be good to their children. And to be alive to see that happen.

And then there are times that you look at your kid and you wonder how lucky you are to have them despite the heartaches and pains and bull crap – remember that in those moments of uncertainty. Remember that you are the parent and they are the child and most of the time – you can’t teach them everything.

My children, as they grow into adults or as the one is an adult – will hopefully look back and see my love for them among the moments I failed them. And they will learn from my mistakes because I admit to them my failures.

Until then – I will need a lot of wine and cookies and therapeutic shopping to make it through their teenage years.

And I will raise my glass to those who have been here and those who have it on the horizon…..

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