O’dark thirty lesson – don’t place your dining room chairs in a way that you could potentially trip on them on your way to the kitchen to get a cup of water for a screaming toddler. Especially if, in your haste to address the screaming, you forget to put on your glasses.

You will kick the chair. Your bare foot will not love that move and the toddler will still be screaming because of the injustice of an empty cuppy.

You might even run into it again as you make your way back to the living room where you have deposited the screaming banshee of cuteness. At that point you will utter several expletives which can’t be heard because of the squalling in the adjoining room.

At this point, you will push the dining room table, chairs and possibly the cats underneath across the room effectively throwing out your hip because you might not be a spry as you once were

However, once you clear the obstacles, make it back to the shrieking loon of a child, you will be able to give her the cuppy of water- and she will instantly silence.

Snuggle her and put her back to bed.

Throw a dirty look at the dining room, all of it, on your way back to your bedroom.

And, the next morning, if anyone even questions or complains about the noise in the middle of the night- you do have the right to look at them with the clear intention of possible bodily harm.

thisisfostercare

Have you ever seen a four year old wake up like she just arose from the pits of hell to destroy everything in her path only to realize that today is pizza day? It is probably the cutest thing I have witnessed in a hot minute.

Glowing red eyes, claws at the ready…. I approached the child cautiously … when she saw me and was about to pounce – because you know – I had to wake her up for school and little monsters hate being woken from their slumber –

I said, in the most sugary voice, “oh my goodness! Guess what today is!?!?”

Her claws retracted, scary eyes replaced with hopeful eyes, and she whispered with reverence “pizza day?”

Me- “yes ma’am it is but what has to happen today for that to happen?”

No longer demonic child “right choices!”

Me- “yup now let me help you get dressed”

Less evil entity of a youth – “yes ma’am”

It was like the stars aligned, doves of peace flew in and sunshine was abundant …. 😂😂

Oh and in case you are wondering – naked bananas (banana chips) are an absolute no no with this kid 😂
Only bananas with peels will do for her royal highness

I even got a hug and blown kiss before walking out the door of daycare and I swear she might have muttered “pizza” as she did it

thisisfostercare #onedayatatime #monstertamingspecialist

Lesson : if a toddler barks are you, bark back. If a toddler gives you a wet sloppy kiss, accept it. It a toddler offers you an imaginary bite of cake off of a play spoon, do not, I repeat, do not put that spoon in your mouth. Five minutes later you will thank me when said toddler uses that same spoon to brush your stinky and very smelly old hound dog.

Last night I explained to my foster parent training class that loofah sponges ward off vampires – at least they did once upon a time to a 6 year old boy … And guess what – that boy grew up to be my awesome oldest child. And my class totally understood that sometimes the little moments of security and safety are the most important to a child – because grown ups and loofah sponges can always fight the vampires …

Lesson: toddlers, at a playground, will utter “me wing” 4,876,999 times in 20 minutes
You will leave the playground after an hour and half and your arms will be spaghetti from pushing said toddlers in swings the WHOLE time

I used to teach Pre-k. Sometimes my kids said funny things. This is one of them. Prek child : “Ms. Dusty, you hug like a boa constrictor, but you aren’t one because you don’t suck the air out of my bones” …. O.o …hahahahah

Lesson : Certain toddlers are part shark. It seems that my precious two year old foster daughter enjoys chewing on her friends violently when she is angry. She has developed significant piranha tendencies. We will get through this but in the meantime, I will probably introduce the daycare staff to my gallon of wine solution. 😛

Lesson: Let’s talk about the last baby wipe in the package. It is a good thing to stock up on said baby wipes because you will need them. Alot of them.

Here is why: It will inevitably be ridiculous o’clock in the morning and your lovely little toddler will wake with a poopy diaper. Not only will you not have had your life saving first cup of coffee, but you will probably be very groggy.

You will lay your toddler down and realize at once that this is a four wipe poop. You will reach for a diaper and the pack of wipes. You are a pro at this. You got this.

Until you realize that there is only one lone wipe in the package. You will look at the poopy diaper and the toddler who has suddenly turned into an octopus with hands flying anywhere and you will instantly wish to be on a beach with a gallon of wine. or some fruity drink with an umbrella. Either way, one wipe is not going to cut it.

You will re-seal said poopy diaper, much to the chagrin of said toddler, who will instantly launch into a tantrum and rightfully so. She is sitting in her own toxic waste.

You will bolt for the kitchen to check the diaper bag. Nothing. In the process, you will trip over a baby gate, the dog, your own feet and speck of dust on the kitchen floor. Cursing will ensue. Silent cursing because there are toddler ears listening. Even though she is screaming bloody murder, mark my words, she is listening.

Time is ticking. Toxic waste is festering. You are at a loss, looking longingly at your coffee maker and cursing your lack of forethought.

Wet paper towels make for quick solutions when you are out of wipes. Avoid this type of chaos and stock up.

And yes, I bought baby wipes in bulk on the way to work. Kroger has them on sale. I probably looked like I was stocking for a zombie uprising but I don’t care. I don’t need another baby wipe fiasco like this morning.

fosterparenting

Lesson: you will talk to your biological and step teens in a sugary sweet voice when disciplining them once you have toddlers in your home. It will freak your teens out. They will question if they will continue life when you get home from work after a sugary sweet threatening of said life over the phone.

This is a beautiful thing. My mom called it a “healthy fear”

Baby talk wigs them out.
Disclaimer: you can never EVER threaten foster children
EVER

fosterparenting

Lesson: toddlers are like little evil Mafia bosses. One second they will be playing nicely in their room, dancing to some ridiculously happy singing plastic zoo and the next they will be holding the dog’s water dish hostage with a homemade plastic spatula shank like weapon demanding dog dog kisses in return for water.

We should build our armed forces out of toddler leaders and use dirty, 5 wipe diapers as our weapons. Wars have been won on way less.

kingpinfosterparenting